Pastor: Do you have a boyfriend?
Mide: Pastor, why are you asking sir? Anyways, to answer your question, I
have a boyfriend
Pastor: You see, as a Christian, we should be wary
and careful of the relationships we keep because they can lead us to hell and……
Mide: Pastor, I know all that and the last time I checked sir, any boy that
is my friend is a boyfriend including you sir….The question should have been,
do you have a lover.
-------------------------------------
There are some questions you don’t
ask people. That is my opinion and I think it’s somehow crazy to meet someone
for the first time and ask them personal questions. No matter the capacity you
are acting from.
It was during the long university
break and I was at home for the holidays. My sister, during one of our usual
chitchat told me about a pastor that came around and was asking her some
personal questions that has to do with her relationship with the opposite sex
and my sister felt it was ridiculous of him.
Let me give you a little break
down of this man. He’s a pastor in one of the orthodox churches where we
worship. I come from a staunch orthodox background and my family is very active
in the church. My father normally travels for church activities and it was
during one of such trips that he met the young pastor.
They exchanged addresses and my
father made him promise that he was going to check up on our family anytime he’s
in town. So that very day, he was in town for another program and he decided to
pass the night with us. We were all in school but my sister came home for
something urgent and that was how their path crossed. My father introduced my
sister to him “Oh, meet one of my daughters” and that was how the interrogation
started. My sister felt embarrassed with all the questions the pastor asked but
she didn’t want to sound rude to him.
Some months later, universities
were on break and we were all at home for the long holidays. It was a Saturday
and the Sun was basking in the glory of its brightness. Dad, was to travel that
day to be back on Sunday but before he left, he already told my sisters that
Young Pastor will be coming around to town and he has informed him that he will
be passing the night with us. Unfortunately, Dad has to travel that same day
but he told Young Pastor he will see him the second day.
Dad left. My sister came to me
and said, “You know the pastor I told you about, the one who asked me those embarrassing
questions, is coming around today”. I was like Oh, Okay.
Instantly, I told myself I was
not going to even give him the slightest opportunity to ask me any crazy
question. I can be very mean and rude when I want to. Coincidentally, it was
also the youth week period in church and there were activities lined up already.
We were all expected to be in church around 4pm for a religious program. Young
Pastor was meant to go with us to church and then back home to sleep.
Around 2:30pm, Young Pastor appeared.
I was in the shop. The shop is situated in front of our house like every other shop.
It’s like your everyday pharmaceutical shops with shelves here and there. At
the back of the shelf, we have spaces where wares can be kept for stocking and
the space is big enough to accommodate two people.
Young Pastor walked into the
compound majestically carrying a black suitcase. I was in the shop. It was my
turn to stay in the shop and attend to customers. Young Pastor is tall,
slim-built and chocolate in color. I got to know later that he’s soft spoken
and cunning. He’s also a pervert. Yes, Young Pastor is a Pervert.
After some minutes, I saw the
person strode into the shop. He greeted me and I answered in a firm manner. I
was official with him. I Had told myself I was not going to let my guard down
or allow him to have any meaningless discussion with me so that he won’t have any
reasons to ask me stupid questions.
I greeted him like I would a
customer coming to buy drugs and I continued with what I was doing. He paced up
and down the shop as if he was looking at the drugs and reading their
pamphlets. Later, he dragged an empty white chair and sat down to have a discussion
with me.
Young Pastor: I can see you are
the youngest and I was also told you are in the university too
Mide: (Acting like I was not
interested in the whole conversation). Yes, I am the youngest and you are right
that I am also in the university.
Young Pastor: Oh, that is
Fantastic. I am Pastor XXXX, a Youth Pastor in charge of XXXXX Circuit. I came
around for the youth program and I have another ministration at XXXX State tomorrow.
Mide: That is good to hear. Since
you already know am the last daughter, I am assuming that you already know my
name too.
Young Pastor: Well, I was told. What
course are you studying in the University?
Mide: Computer Engineering
Young Pastor: I hope you attend
church too and I hope you are close to God. You see, I don’t want you to be
like all these university students who are far from God. At home, they are
something else, in school, they are another thing.
Some of them have multiple
partners, some of them are into aristos and all sorts and I hope you know what
the bible says about such people? The Bible is explicit about such people and
such behaviors. You see, young people who are supposed to be focused with their
studies having boyfriends and missing God’s plans for their lives
Mide: (I was thinking…Ghenghen,
this man is starting small small o)
Young Pastor: I hope you are not
like them?
Mide: Like who? – With disdain in
my voice
Young Pastor: Like those people
who engage in fornication. Those young students who fornicates in the name of boyfriends
and girlfriends. By the way, Do you have a boyfriend?
Mide: Pastor, why are you asking
sir? Anyways, to answer your question, I have a boyfriend
Pastor: You see, as a Christian,
we should be wary and careful of the relationships we keep because they can
lead us to hell and……
Mide: Pastor, I know all that and
the last time I checked sir, any boy that is my friend is a boyfriend including
you sir….The question should have been, do you have a lover.
Young Pastor: Oh, So do you have
a lover
Mide: Well, I really won’t answer
that question because I find it too private and I don’t discuss my private life
with strangers.
Young Pastor: I am not a
stranger. I am a friend of the family. It’s so unfortunate that the first time I
came, I didn’t meet you. You can be free with me and tell me anything.
Mide: That is good pastor. So if I may ask sir, are you married because
you seem to be well advanced in age?
Young Pastor: No I am not but I am
planning to marry my fiancee next year. We are working towards that and the Holy
Spirit is guiding us through it all.
Mide: Great News. So your fiancee sir,
Are you guys dating or courting or you just want to pick her and marry her?
Young Pastor: Well, we are
courting in a spiritually ordained manner. We are working according to God’s
plan and purpose for us.
Mide: That is a delight to the
ear. I pray God helps you through it all and uphold your union.
I faced my business and continue
reading my novel. I had heard everything I wanted to hear even though deep
down, something tells me Pastor is a Pervert.
So Pastor moved near me, I mean
he moved his chair near mine and asked me in a low voice “Tell me about your
boyfriend ”
Now, I hate such nosy people.
However, not wanting to sound too RUDE, I asked him, what exactly do you want
to know sir?
Young Pastor: I mean, are you
guys Christians, Have you been tempted to touch yourselves and maybe kiss
Mide: (I was laughing in the
spirit) Oni bara ti n bole bo…the beggar is gradually turning to a thief. “Well,
I won’t say we touch ourselves. We hug and kiss and I think that is beyond the
pass mark for you so I don’t want to talk about it….
Pastor: Oh no, feel free to talk
about it. You know, Most times, the thought of been a virgin drives me
crazy. I am a bit scared as to how my
first night will be. I am not even sure if I am potent or not.
Mide: ( Hahahaha. Well, I was not
laughing glaringly. I was only musing inside)…So I put on a straight face.
Pastor, how can you say you are not sure if you are potent or not. You don’t need
a woman to know that.
Well, I practically mean you don’t need a woman to know
if your John Thomas can perform or not. Mere sleeping and waking up in the
morning is enough proof for you to know if your factory is functioning but to
know if you can impregnate a woman, you will need a doctor to have a sperm
count test.
Young Pastor: (saw the brightness
in his face) You mean, If I sleep and wake up in the morning, I can be sure if
my John Thomas will rise or not? By the way, what is john Thomas?
Mide: Yes now or didn’t you study
biology in school? And John Thomas is John Thomas.
Young Pastor: I have not really
heard about that before. I am hearing that from you for the first time. It’s an
eye opining and mind boggling revelation….bla bla bla
So Pastor stood up, took a walk
to the back of the shelf and called me to come see something…Seriously, I didn’t
know what he was up to…I thought it was a genuine call to see something real
and when I got to the back, Pastor has unzipped his trouser and brought out his
John Thomas
Mide: (Jesus Christ – I didn’t
say that out anyway. I only screamed it inside my mind) I got there, pretending
that I didn’t notice his extremely absurd position, I said, Pastor, I am here
what do you want to show me?
Pastor: Dragged me, and begged me
to make his John Thomas come to life so that he can be sure that he’s potent….and…..he
started pleading that I do it. Do what?
Hahhaha….you can see what I am
saying…Is Pastor mad?...Am I a doctor? I told him at the onset of our discussion
that I was studying engineering so how come he’s asking me to test his John Thomas.
No wahala. He already held me in his arms anyway and I was not ready for the
struggle. So, I took his John Thomas and gave him the potent treatment of his
lifetime. Pastor was screaming and struggling to free himself. I was not ready
to release him. I wanted to teach him a lesson of his lifetime.
The problem is, he couldn’t
scream too much because outside the shop is an open field where young boys play
football and if he screams too much, they might come around to see what was
going on. Pastor screamed, begged me, quoted bible verses…For where, I had already
told myself today na today.
When I eventually freed him, he
rushed out of the shop, went quickly inside, picked his briefcase and told my
sisters he was leaving.
My sisters were asking him why.
He said he just remembered that he needed to touch down somewhere. My sisters
were trying to pacify pastor but pastor said no way and since he was also going
to church for the same program, my sisters decided that we all go together.
As we were strolling to Church,
Pastor was in front, clutching his suitcase as if his life depends on it. At a
point, my sisters said I should collect the briefcase and carry it for him as a
sign of respect. Pastor no gree o. Pastor said “don’t worry sister Mide”.
Imagine, I have turned to Sister within 2 seconds…
As pastor increased his steps, I
was busy laughing hysterically in the spirit. My sisters begged him, pleaded with
him to stay the night. For Where? Pastor no answer them o.
At a point, they said Mide, Can’t
you also put mouth and beg him too stay……Hahaha…..
Anyway…that was how pastor left
never to return again. He didn’t tell anybody what happened and I am also not
going to tell anybody what happened. However, I am sure Pastor will have an explanation
for his wife because I did a glaring damage to his John Thomas.
Sincerely, this is not something we
should overlook. Majority of homes are guilty of this. We trust people too much
and so many times, they come with all the saintly aromas. Pastors, Imams, Tutor,
Choirmasters, Teachers, and Uncles have spoilt our kids. Most people are not as
fortunate. I was just lucky because it happened when I was a bit matured and I knew
what his antics were all about. What if I was less in age? He would have
defiled me without much resistance.
Parents should be more concerned about
who they let into their homes and into their kid life. Not all association is a
blessing. We should be wary of perverts in godly robes…They are everywhere.
That man, who gives your daughter gifts every time, that lady, who calls your
son cute and handsome and seems to be all over him, that teacher, that uncle
who looks at your kids in such flirty manner, have you dig deep to know what Is
going on behind the scenes?
Those being that your kid detest
so much and just don’t want to be seen with, have you asked questions to know
why? Have you asked your kids why they misbehave to some of your families,
pastors, imams and so on? Don’t just push everything under the carpet of
youthful exuberance. Ask questions, dig deep. Most times, we push dirt’s under
the carpets while the surface looks clean still.
Kids are been defiled by people
who should protect them. The numbers are increasing daily. Parents need to be
watchful and vigilant. The days are evil.
(……..For my sisters: No vex, Na
me pursue Pastor that day. He went beyond his boundary)
