I pray you will have the strength to read it to the very end. Every time i read this story, i shed tears.
Welcome to the life of abuse that I lived.... Welcome to THE
DIARY.
Read.... And learn. And feel free to ask questions. Who knows
someone out there may be going through this.
Today I choose to come out... I choose to come out of that
cupboard today. I have been a single mother of 4 girls since 2005.... I have
lived a life of pretense.... I have worn my mask of "married" for 8
years and today.... I am taking that mask off..... I'm tired of pretending.
...... I'm tired of alluding to a 'Mr.' that no longer exists... A 'Mr.' that
has gone his own way and has not looked at my side...As in... You know... NO
Sex for more than 10 years... So today I become who I am.... Who God made I'm a
being a lovely... Bubbly.... Beautiful mum, girl, babe... That just wants to
live life...To the full.
I’m tired of stigmas... And Nigeria is full of "us". We
married but single ladies. Who pretend that our husbands are "busy"
making money. Oh... Some say... Oh.... He's Busy at meetings... He is at
Abuja... He is in London etc.... But we are all in the same boat... We are
single and pretending ...we are even worse than those lesbians and gays..... At
least they look the part... We ... Ish.... We look sound walk and talk
married... WE ARE NOT...
BETWEEN, LET ME TELL U A STORY...
I know of a couple. No... Well, yes a couple. The only time the
husband made love to her was anytime they needed to procreate.... Meaning, your
guess...they made love maybe once in 18 months. Or as soon as HE feels it's
time for baby No 6... And when he has had enough that was it... No sex, No
love, nothing... And every time they go out as a couple and you know.... I used
to envy them... I used to think Mrs. A had the best marriage in the world...
until... One day... She lost it... Why????
Let's get to another statistic .Me...My story.... Even as I type,
I'm shame personified... I mean ... How I, a very intelligent lovable lady
endured a marriage for 18 years with hard labour.... How I submitted, submitted
and submitted till I lost all my identity.... How I was constantly slapped,
flogged, belted, abused and thrown out.... Beaten black and blue for 18 years
and I still stayed and judiciously wore my mask of MARRIED ...EVERYDAY, beats
even me myself.. I think I developed a dual personality... Outside to the
public I'm the vibrant joyous happy head in the sky Kemi special... But inside,
U know what I mean I'm the fearful, dull unintelligent,
stupid...useless...incompetent mother/witch... Who can only speak when spoken
to... And even then I needed to be sure an answer was REALLY NEEDED. Otherwise,
It will result into slap and blows.
Outside ... I'm the entrepreneur fearless, daring bold owner of a
big privately owned company. It's even laughable that outside some men say they
are intimidated by me.... As in ME? EMI.... WHO Is that person? I remember at
some point I dragged myself... Paid oh... to see a shrink... Of course I
couldn't do that in Nigeria... Big babe like me paying to see a shrink...
That's Yaba left. So I anonymously (now you see why I need to come out),
dragged myself to see one in London... On the day I finally got to go for the
appointment...i could leave the house due to fear and shame... How do I explain
that I'm constantly beaten and treated like an incompetent 5 year old... I'm
sure the shrink too would probably think so... I mean I really do get to do
stupid things....
Can you imagine one time when he dragged me to the bed naked and
started a series of slaps. And stupid me... Didn't keep my mouth shut I kept on
fighting back and in defense I bite him on the wrist and didn't let go until my
teeth fell out.... Stupid me, that's it. Only an ODE (stupid person) would do
that. A wise woman....As pastor bimbo would say would have just
SUBMITTED...submit you fool...Now you lost your teeth...Witch...And at that
point I calmly got off the bed...
By that time, blood was everywhere. And the mask came on.... Where
is or are the bloody teeth? I searched for them...The lucky ones were
still in my mouth...though quite loose... But the mask is on I needed to find
the other one... Try to put it back.... Damn ...What do I tell them at work
tomorrow? How do I explain this one like the others? At least with the
others...clumsy me was always falling down the stairs..... And other likewise
stories..... This one, No makeover could help so I just needed to find the
tooth and quickly fix it back..... And try to smile or laugh it over, Damn the
mask again...
***********************************************************
Let me start from the beginning. It was a very brief but intense
relationship. He did everything right. Was loving was respectful, Charmed the
socks off everybody and till today will tell everyone 'I love my wife' and so
it started...
The first time was in London... We had gone shopping for our
wedding and then came the choice of wedding rings.... We argued over it... We
had budgeted about £250 for our rings suddenly he insisted on us buying a £25
set of rings.... And I just didn't get it because we both had a common purse for
such things. In anger he gave me a resounding slap on the streets of
London and walked off. I was dazed. Walked a few miles without realizing
it and ended up at my chief bride’s maids place. Told her and in her analytical
way of doing things she asked me to cancel the wedding. I thought of the BIG
PARTY my parents had planned, THE INVITATIONS that had gone out THE BIG
introduction (over 1000 people) came for that alone and just couldn't 'SHAME'
my parents. He came back later that night wept profusely and begged me and
asked me to forgive him that it will never happen again and I DID
By the time we got married (13 -01-87), we started our bitter
sweet relationship. I learnt to understand and know his likes and dislikes.
(Sometimes his likes will suddenly become dislike and vice versa) and like a
school girl I learnt to know what trips him off and what does not. He loved his
pounded yam POUNDED (by me). Hated most of my friends so I devised ways of them
not visiting (when they did visit he was the best husband. Showing off, telling
them the last money he gave me... Etc) didn't like my family. According to him
we are all spoilt. Liked my hair a particular way ONLY, ALL THE TIME. Generally
had an exactness that I dared not question
I remember the first major beating. Funny enough I can't really
remember what I did. I was by then about 5 months pregnant and just as suddenly
as the quarrel started it quickly escalated and this time he went further.
After slaps and kicks all aimed at my face, tummy etc, he just went into a rage
and started punching me. I found the first exit on time and ran out of the
house or was he the one that just slammed the door and left me? my face swells
up quickly.
At least I now know that so I just took a walk as always to the
lagoon front. I don’t know how I got there or when but the lagoon front always
waited for me and it was there that I felt the first set of cramps…labour...at
5 months. Was I afraid? No. Something else had taken over. An inner strength
just came over me and I walked again from lagoon front to my aunt at Akoka (a
location in Lagos). She took one look at me and rushed me to the hospital.
I was in premature labour. Everyone came to the hospital ....My
parents ...My friends...etc.... My parents asked the Dr. to do everything
possible to save me and the baby. I was in an induced sleep state all dreamlike
but quite calm and serene. A very good place to be. I felt safe then amidst all
the chaos, HE rushed to my side pretending to kiss me and then whispers....
PLEASE DON'T TELL A SOUL THAT I BEAT YOU...
Yes, I kept quiet.
LAGOON FRONT (3/12/2000)
What is this life all about anyway? It's easy for some, difficult
for some and either way for others. Where will it all ends anyway? 6 feet
that’s all and when I'm gone what will be my achievements. I struggled, tried
it all. All I have ever done is TRY TO PLEASE SOMEONE, in the end while
pleasing and pleasing and striving to be the best wife, I have lost it all.
Who am I? My old self that I knew: carefree, loving, fun loving,
trusting…All lost... All gone...It's never been the same since that November
month so many years ago.
All I know lord is that you are still my best friend... I just
can't seem to find any other friend... I have searched all these years amongst
my friends, my husband, my parents.... None yet Lord, except you...and my
girls. With you I am not afraid... You do not bear me.... My dad started it
all...I thought I had escaped all those years of abuse... And then from one
trap I entered another one…Worse than the first.
Nag nag nag...Beat beat beat...Slaps, abuses, curses....from one
trap I entered into a lifelong one...I live each year hoping that it will end.
That maybe if I try harder I will be a better wife. Through it all, I have lost
myself and the years are passing by.
I'm still waiting to hear from you O Lord. You said you will tell
me when it's time to move on. When Lord? I'm falling more and more into the
trap. I'm enslaved as it is. Help me to regain my focus O Lord. Help me to
rediscover myself Lord. The confident bold intelligent Kay. Who still thinks
that the sky is the limit. I still want to touch the stars. I know my
capabilities. Help me to rediscover myself and Lord, please be my best friend.
Even
If I lose everything, I don't want to lose you.
Hold me cuddle me, Talk to me, Listen when no one listens, Comfort
and wipe my tears, Help me to forget all the abuse I have gone through. Help me
to rediscover myself.
I ALMOST KILLED MYSELF
Today God has given me an unexpected miracle. I came back to alpha
beach (A beach resort in Lagos, Nigeria) today. I came back to where I was a year
ago. I came to meet my ALPHA, my OMEGA... my friend my lover, my husband, my
confidant...I came back with joy.... I came back to remember where I was last
year in order to appreciate where I have been, and where I am now..... I bless
you Alpha, my soul.... The depth of my being blesses you my Alpha... I praise
you and I thank you.
I came last year in sorrow. I came to you Alpha in tears. I
was here in despair. You were my last bus stop. I needed to be with you.
I wanted to come to you. I wanted to escape. To eternity where you
assured me no pain, no sorrow, no tears. I got to alpha beach and I guess
you led me here... You wanted to reveal yourself to me.... What an irony... You
led me to You.... You led me to alpha beach.....and you are the Alpha... The
beginning of all things... You led me to where you started it all....when you
created heaven and earth your word says... You then separated the earth and the
sea. I came to the sea.... I wanted to use the sea as a vehicle to come to you.
I wanted to kill myself.....
You knew Alpha.... You alone in this whole world knew my
thoughts...you knew what I wanted to do, then you brought me here....Oh the
memories... I cried, I sobbed, I wailed....then I started running.... The final
race into the sea.... I wanted so much to touch you... I needed to have you in
me forever...... Then I poured my heart to you ....alpha... Things had not
changed then... Things were getting worse... I was getting more and more into
debts... People assumed that my husband was a very rich man so I should not
lack.... I was living like a pauper in the midst of so much.... I was being
defrauded left right and center... And to cap it all the abuse didn't go.... It
never seemed to end.... New days brought new problems, but never a solution....
I was desperate to die....alpha ... But you brought me back....
You in your most loving manner gave me a knock on the head.... I hit my knee on
a big boulder.... In the middle of the sea it’s you...alpha just like a parent
gently tapping his child... You gave me a knock and sent me back..... I watched
the blood oozing from the cut...below my knee. And only then did I realize how
far into the sea I had walked......
Thank you Alpha....thank you for your love and protection... Thank
you for cocooning me and telling me that all will be well...
That's why I am back today... I just wanted to hug you once more
and say...... Well!!!!! It's been an eventful year...... I needed to come back
to alpha to tell Alpha all that He had done for me... I'm here Lord to tell you
that all is well... I'm alive and let me jist you about the events of this past
year;
After I left, I went back to work. Esther had a dream where she
saw robbers attacking me... We fasted and prayed and forgot about it.... I
still went home in fear, woke up in fear.... Why? HE was getting more and more
abusive....lately he will wake me up at 2am to curse me, tell me off etc...
Then on my 40th I woke up fully depressed... No stars shone, no
fireworks nothing.... No presents..... From the one I felt loved me.... Even if
he hated me that much, he couldn't even give me a hug... I expected lots of
hugs and kisses and yes some lovemaking...you know to commemorate the day....
But nothing....nadah....no show.......The silence was deafening......hey!....it's
my birthday......dear, ain't you giving me a hug and a kiss..... Well!!!! I got
a present Alpha.... I got words, words, nagging....yak yak..... A little curse
here and there all laced with a tinge of sarcasm laced with some
bitterness...... I shouldn't have asked at all.... I got up to the bathroom and
wept...
July wasn't an eventful month.....August WAS!!! On the 6th my shop
was attacked by armed robbers....it was horrible...they left a note threatening
to come back to kill me and whoosh I hit an all-time low.... Wasn't sure of
where I was going anymore...I just existed...But I kept coming back here to
touch you and see if perhaps it’s time to JUMP into the sea...You kept turning
me back Alpha...Your word kept me alive.... Your love became more intense...
You began to jealously guard me like the apple of your eye.... You held me up
on a solid rock... In the lots and lots of lonely nights that came during that
year, you became my constant bed companion... You became my lover.
I missed having sex with my husband because he perfected the art
of using it as a punishment. He 'gave' me when it suited him, and withdrew such
favors for as long as he felt like. He constantly used it as an instrument of
abuse.....it became a whip....Yet....you Alpha became my lover ....you
satisfied my lonely heart.... I needed a friend to talk to and you were there
for me..... Not one moment did you leave me though I didn't know it then, but
you were preparing me for the now and the afterwards.
The debts grew and I began to lose sleep, peace eluded me...I too
perfected the art of doing things my own way....borrowed from Peter to pay
Paul..... I became impatient with you darling...Then, You folded your arms and
watched me...Never too far away though....oh you wonderful father and
friend..... I know now that you did not leave me.... Because each time I
screamed out loud for help.....you, darling friend will come running...reminds
me of sunshine playing round the house but knowing that her mum is within
reach. She acts like she doesn't need me and then one big scream and I'm there.
Sometimes her scream will bring all the adults running to her and it’s just a
cockroach (I assume Sunshine is the name of the writer daughter)
....Alpha.....my problems were not problems.... I now realize that they were
cockroaches. You told me there is no problem too big that you cannot solve. You
told me not to fret because with you nothing is impossible....
Then by Oct, Nov, Dec. I began to know you.... I began to
understand the ALPHA I met at alpha beach ...and I came back in December just
to be sure that I was rid of the ghosts of the past.
The new dawn came in January...I looked around and found no one...
I searched for help and found none.... I had knocked on so many doors. My
knuckles were bleeding spiritually.... Then just one last time... I looked at
your face... I looked UP... (There was nowhere else to look anyway) -all the
other places had become dark.... So I looked UP AND saw your mighty
arms....carrying me...AGAIN!!!! Oh no...... The footsteps became that of one
person alone....YOU...Alpha...carried me...and I slept off.... Knowing just as
sunshine will know when she falls asleep in my arms ...that she is safe...
You lifted me up in that January and I know you did....because I
felt the lift...and even as I slept off In your arms you began to do some
BIIIIG THINGS......YOU shut some doors, opened some, sent and surrounded me
with angels . And then you began to protect me from the violent man.... The
violence was now an almost daily affair.... The rejection had become total...
The Hatred had become so intense...I could slice it with a knife...yet in the
midst of it all you gave me reasons to smile... You shared private jokes with
me, kept me company....you did not allow me to be lonely anymore....
So whilst there was rejection YOU came and made me feel like a
queen... And in the midst of the abusive relationship and the violent situation
at home, I began to glow... You had secret conversations with me, choose my
clothes dressed me up in the mornings and gave me a reason to wake up WITH
HOPE...
THANK YOU ALPHA.
********************************************
What exactly is domestic violence? Do we really understand what
the deep meaning is? It goes beyond slapping beating etc. I want us all to look
this up through this woman's story Annie kaszina. Maybe some of the
questions raised in this forum will be addressed
For our information all of us that have contributed one way or the
other to this diary let me tell you today that Domestic violence is in the
increase in Nigeria and the greatest challenge facing it is lack of data to
back this up. We all know someone or have been victims or have probably read
about the extreme cases in the dailies. It assails our senses and
imaginations..... Some of us are thinking.... How could women or men as the
case maybe allow themselves go into so much suffering. No one born of a woman
deliberately goes into such a relationship. We all found ourselves victims. And
our traditions don't make our case the better.... There are so many women going
through this abuse SILENTLY.... I call them THE SILENT MAJORITY.... They like
me, form the critical mass of abuse and are dying inside daily.
Why do I say this? You see most of the abuse cases you read about
fall within the low income bracket.... Why? The average Iya Mulika will shout
EGBA MI OH... As soon as BABA MULIKA raises his hands to beat her and when the
case gets too bad she goes to Project Alert and she gets help.... I went to
project alert once...and I was told that the facility was set up for women
around that income bracket who can't help themselves at all. That people like
me... Well sorry but because we are financially able... Then we should be able
to help ourselves. And there lies the problem....
The thousands of women living in comfort... In good homes, who
want to leave but can't even think of it.....One of the women I know gets a
first class ticket to go see the doctor when she gets bruised and bloodied....
And her husband tells her there is nowhere in the world that she can hide. I
was told when I finally left to always watch my back.... That 'he will always
be there' that he has people watching my every move.... So people like me (I
left) suffer in silence and the data is not available because no one is
talking....
I kept a diary.... Why? There was no one to talk to.... My pastor
asked me to SUBMIT.... Every time I went in tears to church I did not find
help.... I found religion.... Religion crucified Jesus.... And at some point I
was the subject of a message....!!!!! WOMEN WHO DON'T SUBMIT I moved on when I
was told by a Pastors wife that quite a lot of them are abused daily and they
are in a worse situation because they then watch the same man minister at the pulpit...
All they told me is SUBMIT. ... Ask any woman in an abusive relationship....
The one thing she knows how to do best is SUBMIT who born you that you dare
talk back.... So God knows we have submitted...... Humbled ourselves to even
below ground zero.....
The police..... The first and only time I went to the police....
The DPO.... Took one look at me.... After reading my statement and bearing down
at me through his glasses looked at me and said.... "You these Nigeria
women.... What else do you want....? No wonder you are a lawyer... I sure say
your mouth Na him put you for all these trouble..... You must be a stubborn
woman". Then he turned to his audience.... A room full of men and said....
"I must buy a present for my wife today oh..... Upon how much I beat her
she just dey endure... She no be like this woman wey de report her husband cho
cho cho". The men egoistic and sarcastically all nodded in agreement.... I
wished the ground could open and swallow me..... But I dug in and insisted that
the case be incidented.... That's me oh. A lawyer... What of those who dare not
because the man has contacts and eyes everywhere....
The most important thing is that we educate ourselves and our
children.... I choose not to keep quiet again at least let someone out there
read this and learn. Let the men read this and see that some attitudes are not
palatable at all they are repugnant... Let women learn and know the symptoms to
look out for.... And above all let the SILENT MAJORITY the SILENT MASKS....
Know that they are not alone..... That we feel what they feel...
After the birth of my 1st child, things returned to normal... Love
laughter and all... We had very good days and extremely bad ones.... I was a
law school student, mother and wife, so I had helps come and go... The physical
abuse had reduced to manageable levels... Spending 5months in the hospital
after the beating was not funny and he made sure he was so devoted no one
knew... We became a happy family.... Our flat became center of activities in
the social scene...
He was and still is quite popular and social... We entertained
frequently and on my part I learnt to kiss ass... I learnt that when we had
friends over, he will be watching my every move discretely... I learnt to read
his eye movements, discussions.... learnt to understand the warning
signals... When I stepped out of line he will wake me up in the middle of the
night to critique my day...... My dress, cooking or whatever he hated about the
day and gradually it became almost a daily affair.... In the mornings (he was
in between jobs at this time, and my dad paid me a salary equivalent throughout
law school) he will look at me as I dressed up and somehow started insinuating
that I had boyfriend ...
Some mornings I had to change my outfit 3 times just to look less
pretty.... It became a regular morning pattern..... Me dressing up, he looking
and asking me why this.... Why that.... Why lip-gloss... Why hair..... This is
in spite of strict principles on dress ethics by law school....yet,
When I "argued" as he always says... I got the
prerequisite beating to put me in my place....by then I gradually became so
defensive that I began to shout on everybody... My mechanic... My help.... I
could be calm one minute and suddenly if I so much think that I'm about to be
taken advantage of... I will just become dictatorial......bossy... Assertive as
if my whole life depended on that one victory...... One day my sister asked
me.... "Sister....kilonshele si yin... Is everything okay"... I
couldn't tell her........
I can’t describe my feelings after each beating... but i learnt to
cover it up.... I learnt the art of looking pretty whilst bearing so much
pain...my acting skills in the university took over....my alter ego always took
over... As soon as he finished either the slaps or beatings, I learnt to start
the MASKING process... First the ice... Then suddenly one day in the market I
got a lovely small knife... No I think it came with a knife set.... It suddenly
dawned on me that ....yes I can't beat him but I can defend myself.... and....
Because I knew HE always jumped at me at very unpredictable times...I started
to keep the knife under my pillow... Waiting for the next beating... I prayed
every night that he will never discover it... So I made sure I got into bed
before him. (No spare rooms so don’t ask why I didn't sleep there)
Then one morning I got up again to get dressed for school.....Then
he started again..... Nag nag.... This fault ...This issue..... You are
stupid..... Dumb..... You should count yourself lucky I married you.... On and
on...and I kept on apologizing.... (You learn to say sorry even when you have
no clue of the accusations)... And he knew I was looking to escape and just run
out of the house... Then he escalated and started speaking very fast,
escalating to curses.
This time I just wanted to leave the room.... As I made to leave
he grabbed me, spun me round and the slaps began... I got up calmly wiped my
cheeks and told him not to hit me again.... Yes I dared to warn him... He didn't
take it nicely... Me talking back....ha!!!!! By the time the first punch landed
on my face, I knew school's out for that day... Then I suddenly realized that
he had punched me right into my side of the bed.... In blind panic, I grabbed
my knife and just started slashing him everywhere..... (That knife was not
sharp)..... But suddenly he saw blood..... Ha!!! Yepa!!!! Sacrilege......
At that point I, KAY..... FLIPPED..... Where the strength came
from... I don't know.... I just kept lunging at him ready to do and undo...
Then he started screaming ........EGBA MI OH!!!!! YE!!!!! ARA ADUGBO.... KAY
HAS KILLED ME! I at that moment calmly locked the door to our room, threw the
key down from the Window. l (we were on the 3rd floor) of a block of flats. l
then I tore my clothes threw them out and told him that ....today.... No one
will come out alive..... We fought..... Or was it that he wrestled the knife
from me... Then each of us retreated into a corner, sizing ourselves up like
wounded lions.... He was bleeding and I was detached from it all....
I had disengaged mentally and in any case had thrown the key away.
He started shouting for the neighbours who ended up opening the door....of
course some of our neighbours called my relatives..... And it was on that day
that my parents got to know my ordeal in his hands.
********************************************************
Research has shown that sometimes what happens to an abuser is
actually a cry for help.... They need help FROM themselves.... That's why lot
of times an abuser will not be able to associate himself with the gravity of
what he has done.... It's a sort of psychological dissociation.... As far as
they are concerned, IT WAS ALL A LIE.....'YOU CAUSED IT'......"YOU HIT ME
FIRST"......"IT'S YOUR FAULT".... And the list is endless. They
want to make up almost as soon as it is over.....they become either extremely
remorseful or extremely disengaged from the act itself....when they are
remorseful, you will see them do extraordinary things to apologize... Paid
holidays, expensive gifts.... Calling the whole world to come and help them
beg......
I know a friend ... Whenever she goes AWOL... At a short
notice....I know that oga has beaten her and flown her out to REST...I always
look for her then no matter where because I know she will want to talk....Some
will ensure that you live like and are treated like a queen....that is until
the next one... The other type that disengages or dissociates from the
incidence will blame you.... Tell ridiculous lies.... Spin a fantastic tale or
story against you that by the time he finishes his own version of happened,
everyone will look at you as the devil incarnate.... "Iyawo yen gaaan
wahala ni... Alaseju ni...ashawo..... Imagine all the money broda mi said he
has been given her yet she is not satisfied.... Olojukokoro.... What else does
she want.....?” And it goes on and on....some of these types of men will put
the blame squarely on your shoulders.... "She stabbed herself....she
disobeyed me..... A man brought her home....she slapped me first.... (I will
tell you a real scenario that happened to me on this later)....
Either way some experts will say most of their actions are CRIES
FOR HELP... I have seen some marriages settle down as soon as the whole world
heard of the abuse.... Some men just need counseling or whatever you call
it.... Counseling.....beaten.....or scared.... Into normalcy and these types
will stop the abuse as soon as some major things happen....someone said as soon
as she packed out...the family knew something was wrong....her husband had to
use his own mouth to be reporting himself to the family....because she just
disappeared and in looking for her he had to explain all the beatings etc....
By the time they found her ....things normalized.....
However the other ones the majority.... Are those who see nothing
wrong with their actions. "MY MOTHER WAS CONSTANTLY FLOGGED BY MY
FATHER....SO YOU TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT".....or they were victims of the
abuse themselves.... So there is transference of the aggression... A lot of
Nigerian men in this category will tell you that flogging, abuse etc are just a
"naija" thing.... If you want oyinbo life... Then go and marry oyinbo
man....but then not all men are the same.... All men are not equal.... This
diary is not about the normal gentlemen....who respect adore and cherish their
other half.... It's about THE OTHERS....SO HOW DO YOU SPOT AN ABUSER AS EARLY
AS POSSIBLE IN A RELATIONSHIP?
Like I said at the beginning..... This is a DIARY....a diary I
kept whilst married to Him...I made most of these entries for a period spanning
15 years.... I've been out of it all for about 7years... I choose to be HAPPILY
UNMARRIED... (Will tell you how I left later). I must say that every time I
made an entry...after each incidence, I emotionally detached ....like filing
things away into a cabinet...and believe me I just never wanted to re-open any
of the pages again....ever.... It is when I see faces of women.... When I read
this blog and she kept on asking.... "Is anyone out there"... When I
read of young girls murdered by husbands who spin ridiculous stories.... That I
decided to re- open the diaries and put it out there....maybe someone's life
will be saved, knowing what we are all now knowing...
Each of these posts have opened the wounds again.... I cry each
time I bring back another entry.... Other people's stories keep me awake each
night... THIS IS NOT A SCRIPT....I don't even think the producers in Nollywood
understand the depth of Domestic Violence (DV)...anyway.... But that's just
me....I'm not sure..... This is also NOT A PITY PARTY..... Oh no!!!!!.... The
essence of this is for people to understand what goes on in DV.....to draw
people in such relationships out of their shells.... To encourage them to
talk....to enlighten and educate those who are naive.... Hoping that the case
studies here will help young girls, young mothers to recognize early warnings,
early symptoms and take constructive decisions as to where they are going....
This diary is also intended to put the stark reality into the
faces of the men themselves....like looking at themselves from outside...hoping
that it may help them retrospect, re-access and think...."IS THAT WHO I
REALLY AM"...
It is to allow parents understand that not all ken are equal...
Help them to sit their daughters down and if they are single.... Help them know
that it is not a do or die affair. Marriage is not wedding...2 different
things. Also for us who know one person or the other in DV.... Create a support
network for them.... Believe me... In the end, for me it was the angels God
sent to me (friend, family, and strangers!) that became my support system......
Women in DV need people TO JUST UNDERSTAND..... We don't want pity parties...
But just knowing that I can talk to lagbaja and he or she will understand
helps... (Pray about it and I know God will send these HELPS to you)
FACT...an abusive relationship never ends well.... I know...its
like a free fall from the top of a hill....the only way is down...Physical may
stop but there are the emotional, financial, psychological abuse....which are
even worse than the physical....
Morbid as these scenarios appear, they are real.... So real that
so many women have died from just one of the scenarios I have shared... Some
are still there ashamed to tell anyone...and so they tell stories..... "I
FELL DOWN....I RAN INTO A WALL....I HAD AN ACCIDENT...." When you hear
these stories..... Just remember my own examples and know what could have
happened. (Till date some of my bosses call me clumsy.....)
My next few posts will be real life cases of women that found
me....or we found ourselves... Though we are still in counseling and still work
-in - progress...
Dulce Bellum inexpertis..... War is sweet to those who never fought..........
LEAVING
I am skipping a large chunk of the diary to this final part....
Like I said the dairy represents my life during the 19 years I spent.....maybe
people will learn from this and live.....
The journey to leaving started in January of 2006 I was in England
when my sister Brought. Visitor to see me...she was a pastor and also a victim
of DV....she said God told her to tell me IT'S TIME...that I will understand what
it meant...that he said HE WAS READY TO FREE ME FROM THE VIOLENT MAN... I wept
and told her I didn't know how to leave...she then asked me to do some simple
things from that point on...I won't go into the plan extensively for obvious
reasons....my email is available through Stella for those who want to know...
But part of it included, saving aggressively, and taking little steps daily
towards the leaving ...it was a gradual process....but I remember her saying
that when the time comes, everything will work together...all those little
steps...
On a certain day in June 2006... I left....finally.... And till
today I remember how it happened ....I came in from work...it was dark.....and
as I was going in I saw him all dressed in black ...asking me all sorts of
questions ....I was shaking trembling and explaining,....worked late traffic on
3rd mainland bridge...and how I had been calling to let him know.....then NEPA
struck....and he told the Guard not to turn the gen on....he then calmly told
me the marriage is over ...and that I should just get into the car and
drive...back to wherever I was coming from....I went on my knees asking for
forgiveness.....it was really late and he calmly told me to leave.....he was
speaking so quietly ...it was so spooky... I wanted to call my children to help
me ....he then warned me....not to dare shout...and that he had sent everyone
to bed...so it was just me and him.....he told me he had a gun and that he will
not hesitate to shoot me and he will tell everyone that armed robbers tailed me
in and shot me....he warned me that it’s about to get bloody and I should
leave....and I calmly got up from my knees ....got into the car.....and started
driving...into the night....into the light
Ija dopin OGUN si tan....olugbala jagunmolu Orin Ayo la o
mako.....hallelujah.
Yes He opened the gate for me by himself........let me drive out
by myself.....and I just drove...... What did I
feel?.....nothing......absolutely NOTHING.....it was just me, myself and
I......as quiet as the night had become....as still as the night had become
....so was I......and I just kept driving......and i remembered ........that
day had started normally and I remember that the last meeting he had called
with my parents, aunt and uncle...he had told them I should be home by 6...no
matter where I was.... My aunt knowing that I work on the island (we lived on
the mainland) had told him it was impossible.... Knowing the traffic situation
and all that....his demands on that day were quite stiff....if I wanted the marriage
I had to stop traveling (my Buisness had by now expanded....) I had to stop all
expansion....and must be home by 6....obey or leave....my aunt refused to go
home that day....between her and her husband they decided that she should spend
the weekend with me.....
I remember waking up on one of the nights she spent at around 2am
she couldn't sleep and I saw her sitting up beside me....(remember he does not
sleep beside nor with me) and I asked her to go to bed ...she asked me how I
could sleep through all these.....wasn't I scared that I could be killed In my
sleep....and that she was so scared she just couldn't sleep.....that how could
I have been going through all these ALONE.....and she just was weeping........
I obeyed........ i had to move to the office on the mainland and
by 6 I'm home....and he will be at home waiting and watching.....the irony then
was that he will then go out as soon as I'm home without so much as a goodbye
and sometimes may not be back till the following day..... Sometimes he will
just go for days.... And no one dare asks...... I remember my poor pastor who
decided to come to our house every Saturday morning just to pray for us (He was
most likely to be home at that time).... First Saturday he wasn't back from his
outing of the night before.... By the 2nd Saturday when the pastor came at 7am
I was trying to cover up for him when my 7 year old told the pastor...."is
it my daddy.... He didn't sleep at home oh....he doesn't always sleep at
home"....
The pastor prayed for just me and the children and
left.....CHIKENA. ....that was the last time he came..... The bad days were
when I had to go to the island ....my children and I had to devise a monitoring
regime....(yes....they helped.....my angels ....my best friends)....one of them
will be asking him his movement on phone the other will be monitoring my
own...... And I just about got it right most times.....
Except this one day.....
We sponsored an event on the island....and ethics required that I
showed up....and I planned to just show up for 30 mins max....got there with my
colleagues and staff...and wham.....found myself on the high table.....OH
GOD...... My friend who went with me knew why I panicked....but .....she too
was called to the high table..... I had to give a speech.....collect and give
awards....and at 7pm I handed over to my friend and asked to be excused....the
event was just warming up.....but i had to leave......how jittery I was.....no
not the speech I had to give ....no I was scared shitless by now...
I initially kept calling him.....he didn't pick....then sent
texts....he didnt even acknowledge them.....then copied my daughter
..."please tell ur dad I'm at this event....I'm on the high table I will
leave ASAP"... Her reply mummy please relax and just get a life for
once...I wasn't relaxing at all.... Of course getting out of the island at 7
was not an ideal scenario.....I broke all traffic rules to get
home....and...............I JUST KNEW I WAS IN TROUBLE.....oh I prayed that
somehow he will be out and not know..... Or that he will be locked up in his
room downstairs and not notice.... I prayed ....oh I prayed......but........HE
WAS WAITING
As I was driving.... I think I was now somewhere near
ebutemetta......from ikeja .......it was around 11pm or so.....and now I
started singing..........Ija dopin OGUN si tan.....and then the tears
came......yes like a flood....and at that moment a call came through.....it was
a pastor I had met through my pastor.....he just called me....and in my tears I
told him what happened ..... He prayed, asked God to calm the storm....asked me
where I was....I told him...and he said...." turn back.....if you don't
know where to go at least GO BACK TO YOUR PARENTS HOUSE.....and sleep
there."....and that's exactly how I spent my first night.....
After he kicked us out... And all the drama that went with it, we
came back....again..... You wonder why I kept coming back... And l would want
you to read my earlier posts... Some factors had not been sorted... Finances
being a major aspect...plus the fact that He is such a charismatic person that
when he begs.... He goes all the way... This time round he brought extended
family to come....wrote an undertaken that he will never hurt me.... Pledged
love and all... And we got back again.
This 3rd time he became a menace... He now decided from the night
we moved back in not to sleep with or beside me......no more beatings oh....but
he used every tool he had in him to finish me... Used every resource and was
never satisfied.... He now will bring all of us me and the children to the
table and report their "useless mother" to them...
He withdrew the whip and replaced it with
words.....abuse....curses...financial and emotional starvation......called a
meeting and told those present that he will never sleep with me again... (he
said he didn't have a reason)... he claimed his business had gone bad....while
mine now chose that time to flourish...that I am a witch....a power......that I
want to bring him down.... (Yes I couldn't leave... He literarily came to re do
his vows with me when he came to appeal to my parents, so how do I go back and
say the wahala started from the night we moved back in)
This time however I got a visit from a very unique person....she
was a pastors wife...and ironically he had told her I was part of his problems,
so she came to see me and I was shocked at what she perceived and then I told
her my story....she wept and then told me her case was worse....that the abuse
was so bad that till date she has a 35year old daughter who had refused to get
married...that she prayed and fasted and prayed and God answered
her....HOW.....HE DIED...she told me he died ....like a fowl...and then she was
free from abuse....I told her immediately that I didn't want that kind of
answer from God as I didn't want him dead...
I took a trip a few months before the June incidence....a Business
trip....and a very short one.... But somehow I had been researching about
DV.... I would just Google or use some of the search engines of the time and
just type phrases like husband beating wife or so....before I learnt it was
called ABUSE....or DV...somehow in the course of my search for reasons....for
answers.....and maybe how to be better behaved as a wife I came across a lady
and after some emails to her...(I just couldn't tell her what was happening to
me)....I made an appointment to see her... So my trip was 2
pronged......no....3 ....apart from business...and the appointment, those trips
helped me do one thing.......SLEEP.....I was by now a very bad sleeper....I
only slept deeply after 4am....when he comes in, and I hear him potter around
the kitchen and then I hear him go to bed.... Then I sleep and not so deeply bc
I could be woken up any time....for my talks...... So my trips helped me
SLEEP.....
Yes I saw her.....my friend in UK....and I had to pay £100 for the
session......I didn't tell a soul....I just called her, she asked me to come
and I took the long train ride to that tiny village outside
Birmingham......stupid me....didn't know you pay to see counselors...but she
understood it was my first time and ......we talked......first.....she too was
a victim of DV....AND SHE LEFT AND SHE SURVIVED.......and now she just helps
other women....and she just LISTENED as I told her my life...... Barely Interrupting
except a few times to ask questions.....she was quite happy I kept a
journal....and then she started talking......
She said she has before her 2 women ......one is very beautiful,
bold , intelligent a strong woman...who can and is running a good business
which means she takes good decisions and more so manages a thriving business
employing people etc.....the second is timid...shy....afraid...afraid of taking
decisions....and not sure of herself....she asked me who the women
are...naturally I said she was the 1st, and i was.....naturally the 2nd
woman.....no.....she said .....
You ....KAY are the 1st woman....when you talk of your business
your eyes light up...u become fearless....confident....bold...and suddenly you
talk of your marriage and the 2nd woman takes over and the light goes out.....
Solution? Simple....from now on I should watch out for the 2nd woman and avoid
her like a plague and always bring back the first woman into EVERYTHING.....
Then she gave me other simple solutions and then told me her story.....
I came back from that trip pretty sure of what I had to do....and
I started doing them....little things that seemed insignificant to some
people.....but to me were giant leaps....started to AQUIRE things by
myself..... And by that JUNE night ....when I drove out with only the dress I
had on as the ONLY item I took away, I at least knew that the car and some
other major things.....and most importantly MY MIND AND THE HEREAFTER were
mine......now....that's a BIG step.........
Of course the morning after He woke the children up and looked
concerned and told them that "your mother did not come home last
night"....... And that was when I truly knew that God had delivered me
from something on that JUNE NIGHT
**********************
Mr Kay can be described in 2 ways..... To the PUBLIC, he is the
friendliest, charming, philanthropist extraordinaire....if his town were to
have a governorship candidate it will be him.....about 50 ongoing scholarships,
buildings to the churches, schools.....donating to orphanages.......so many of
his FRIENDS constantly bailed out when in financial needs..... The list could
go on ......to his own SIBLINGS.....he was and still is the best brother anyone
could ask for....always meeting their financial needs...always giving....and on
and on it goes.....to his CHILDREN he is the best dad......like I said earlier
he DOES not beat them,,,,, NEVER...has never beaten them....calls them his
princes and princesses......only talks to them quietly.....favors are given
liberally. Whether deserved or not..... And there lies the paradox.....
At home....inside our home he was everything to the contrary with
me...... If we went to functions ....(we rarely go together) he will save all
his wahala to when we get home......so there was no way people would believe
me..... Till date some of my inlaws believe his story that i packed out,
abandoned him and the children......some of his friends think I am the wife
that cannot be satisfied.......with all that my husband (that wonderful man)
has done.......
I think the only people who really knew what was going on we're my
parents....(he goes to report to them all the time any way), my children
(towards the end most of the abuse....in all forms... were in front of them),
when he finishes either the bearing or the WORDS....and as usual storms
out....all of them.....all of them will rally round....saying SORRY
MUMMY....the helps....like house girls, drivers....and other helps....(on a
particularly bad one....where he plummeted my face like Mohamed Ali....the
driver rushed to bring my parents)..... And my siblings...... They all knew and
these 2 sides of him made my life a misery.....
So when he woke up the following day and innocently told my
children "mummy didn't come home last night" they believed him...but
the eldest was worried because I called her just as I was leaving the function
to inform her of my movements.....so she insisted on calling me.....strangely
as she told me....he had collected all their phones that morning, on the excuse
that he was going to recharge it.....but my mum she wanted and needed to talk
to them ... We later got through to one of the helps at home and he gave his
phone to my daughter who then innocently asked me why I didn't come home last
night....I asked her to come to my parents’ house but before that I told all of
them the truth....yes they confronted Him with what I said....and he changed
his story.......................he said
·
He expected me to beg
him.....but that I just barged out angrily and drove off...
·
That when I drove off he
expected me to turn round and beg again....
·
That i just told him to
go to hell and bragged that im off.........
·
That Even now I
must come back with my parents and he will call all his family and I must beg
him in front of them all.....that is the only condition under which I will come
back to his house.
I took it all in and later in the day all of my children came to
see me.....my mum...(bless her) ranted and raved .....go and tell that your
father.....it's over....we gave him a daughter....a living daughter and she
will not die.......and on and on...... I sent them back for only one
item......my BOX OF DIARIES.......luckily somehow when my daughter was coming
she packed a few things for me + MY PASSPORT.....that so happened to have been
in the overnight bag she brought.....
As soon as she brought my box of diaries... I calmly opened to her
all that had been happening to me..... (yes she knew anyway).....told her to go
back and tell him all I said and listen to his comments....I then put my things
in the car.....made one or two calls......took out my SIM card from the
phone.....told my parents I wanted to go on a retreat ......and I
disappeared.......... As at that day.....he had not slept with me for
5years......
*********************************************************
As I drove away from my parents’ home, I really had no clue yet as
to my destination...but In my usual way I started talking to God....over the
years ....I found a very peaceful way of praying ....I just talk to God...I ask
Him to come and sleep beside me ....especially on those nights when all I just
want is a kiss and a cuddle.....I talk, tell Him how I feel....about my day....
I just have the normal conversations I should be having with oga with Him...and
I always find peace and lots of indirect and sometimes direct answers.... On
the night I was sent out...I had one of those conversations with HIM.....
Suddenly the pastor of the night before (the one who asked me to
go to my parents) called to see how I was doing...I told him I needed to just
be away for a while just to be able to pray and meditate on my next
steps...because I knew that oga will definitely begin his moves again.....and
this time, I was not ready.... The pastor and his wife then asked me to come
over to them.... I drove to the other part of town......very far away..........
It was in this wonderful home of this wonderful couple that I spent my first
one whole month..... I didn't tell anyone where i was...I had switched off my phone.....
And I knew God had again ordered and directed my steps...... Yes I took
nothing..... Lived in one boubou and some wrappers....but I didn't go out...all
I did was just sleep and pray..... No... I couldn't pray..... The pastor and
his wife did...,... They pray all the time in that house anyway....and they
always ministered to people.....so people were always coming and going and
prayers always being said....I just sat....slept...cried.....through it
all.....WHY.........
Suddenly in my 2nd week into my stay...I hit an all-time
low......I didn't understand it, all I did was just cry and cry.....the tears
just couldn't stop.....every time....anytime....all I could do was
cry....sometimes I would sob myself quietly to sleep...and as suddenly as it came
....the gloom lifted.....the cloud was gone........and God just kept on
reassuring me....sending strangers to tell me things...sending strangers to
reassure me..... Sending total strangers to feed me.... Sometimes maybe I'm
missing my children and someone will just send a message to me....that they saw
my children.....AND SOMEHOW....I NOW KNEW WHAT TO DO..... The strong bold woman
that the therapist saw in London.....began to emerge and bloom in that period
of ALONENESS.... I BEGAN TO TAKE FIRM AND BOLD STEPs........
And one day I woke up and told my hosts that I had a plan......we
prayed and a month after I left..... I switched on my phone..... I WAS READY.
Lessons:
·
Leaving is not the
end.....it's the beginning
·
When you leave expect
the worst that can happen and then have a plan
·
Don't expect the world
to back you up.....in actual fact prepare to be alone.....it's an ALONELESS
life you are going into....get used to it
·
Some of your best
friends (especially the married ones) will run away from you....you become a
high risk..........and will not want you around them.....dont worry......will
explain later
·
Expect help from unusual
places.....
·
Leaving is not ONE BIG
STEP......rather its taking lots of SMALL STEPS...THAT WILL ALL ADD UP LATER
·
Most importantly PRAY.....to
GOD.... You need help from above. You need help from around you ....and it's
only the HIGHEST that can send that help....He delivereth me from mine enemies:
yea, thou liftestme up above those that rise up against me: thou
hast delivered me from the violent man. (Psalm 18:48 KJV) note that the arm of
flesh may fail you....not also that it was a raven that God sent to feed Elisha
at the brook. 1 kings 17.... So you need Help from above.
·
Finally Remember in the
bible when God told Elijah to go back to the king and Elijah said all the
prophets that could help him had died....God told him that he had kept 700
prophets alive in a cave.............YOU ARE NOT THE ONLY WOMAN IN THE WORLD
GOING THROUGH ABUSE.......AND YOU ARE NOT THE FIRST TO LEAVE......LOOK AROUND
YOU.......WE ARE HERE.............that invisible army ......you will not walk
alone.......
Deliver me, O Lord, from the evil man: preserve me from the
violent man; (Psalm 140:1 KJV)
LEAVING AND LIFE AFTER...1
The day I switched my phone on......within minutes I had over 50
text messages from 'HIM". ALL OF THEM ....ALL OF THEM were threats.....
(“'He was going to deal with me'.......'he hears I moved in with another man'......
"In any case he has used all my beauty"......'no man can ever desire
me'......." He had me in my prime and has flushed me
away"......" He has eyes everywhere”.... .....he has his informants
and they are "watching" me......THAT I SHOULD WATCH MY BACK.... He is
coming for me...... He is coming to close down my business..... And on and on
and on the messages. At some point the messages became
sinister......."watch your back"........ I have my men all over Lagos
and at the right time we will strike...... Very threatening......... Very scary
and I ignored them..... A friend asked me to keep all the records as we may
need them later.
Leaving at this time without the children was a 3 pronged
fork.....in one arm....a blessing in disguise..... I had time to sort myself
out emotionally, and more importantly I knew that by this time.....after 19
years my children could discern the good and the bad.... Plus all the time me
and the children were alone in the house I had them well-grounded emotionally,
spiritually and we all knew by this time who the problem was.....so I knew that
at some time or the other, me and the children will be united.....
Secondly I missed them badly ....especially my 7 year
old.....thirdly......I felt it was time they understood that I needed to take a
stand between a bad relationship and a good one..... I needed to differentiate
and make them understand this because of the future...... By the time I left
anyway one of my children had, on one of our lonesome nights woken me up and
said......(mummy if you ever decide to leave just know that I am coming with
you.....) she was 14 at that time.... .but I left them with him.......IN THE
INTERIM.
The text messages were accompanied by phone calls...... he started
calling......AT ODD TIMES..... 2am, 12, 4am.....random scary hours.....of
course I didn't pick the calls.....and when the phone stopped ringing, the text
messages started coming......and he ensured all those SMS came in at those odd
hours..... The pastor family started holding vigils for my sake......because I
could no longer sleep. Sometimes I will just leave the phone in another room
and just go and pray.
I went back to work at the end of my solitude....and on my second
day a friend and neighbor at the office called me and warned me not to come to
the office. He had gone there and threatened all the staff to produce me and
told them he was there to take over...so my friend decided to give the staff
the rest of the week off.... And she took a back door and locked the
office......whilst he stood fuming at the gate with the security. On that note
I decided to take my case to the Nigeria police.... Of course my darling friend
came with me. She too was a lawyer..... Anyway you all know what happened at
the police station.....and this was in spite of the fact that I took a printed
copy of the text messages sent by him threatening my life...
The DPO... With that tooth pick....gingerly picking the holes in
his teeth....pocked holes in all we stood for as women..... When he looked at
me with contempt and said...."you this woman go get wahala...that's why me
I no fit marry lawyer lai lai.....see the two of them..... "......Then he
turned to my friend ...."You get husband...why you no report am like this
your friend..." And on and on he went........ Of course I insisted that my
life was at stake and the strong "ME" came out and I boldly insisted
that this was a case of threat to life with documentary evidence And if he
wasn't going to do the right thing, I would go upstairs to his superiors......at
that point he minuted on the report....called an IPO and asked that HE should
be arrested and brought to the station for questioning.....
Did it end there? No way.
On the day Mr Kay came to the station.....the
police....Haba....they can drag foot....we kept going to remind them that they
needed to bring him in.....and the DPO finally said...."madam....this is
not your room and parlor......but because I believe in marriage I will only
invite him so that both of you can settle.....i thank God for my wife oh....i
must buy her a present....upon how i de beat her....she has never reported
me".....Ha!!!!! I nearly wept, but i wasn't going to give this wife beater
the benefit of seeing me do that......
I suddenly braced up and told him point blank that I did not need
his services as a marriage counselor ....rather he should do his job....he
looked at me and asked me shockingly....YOU MEAN YOU WANT US TO ARREST YOUR
HUSBAND"?.....duh?...... YES YES YES... But he won.... He invited him...
Only to hear his side of the story.....and on that day I was invited as
well.....and what did Mr. Kay do....... He brought a friend ......and ....an
album....our family album... The two… The friend + the album had history.....
The friend was as bad as he was. It was him that pounced on his
wife one night and strangled her till she passed out..... The poor woman moved
out of his room that night....so he was already tainted. Just that his wife was
at that time still enduring......and submitting...... The ALBUMS ......were
carefully selected collection of pictures of us "playing" happy
families.....me attending some of his occasions (I dare not go)....us smiling
into cameras....and he tells the DPO....in a voice that seemed to be in
tears....".I LOVE MY WIFE......(sobs)........ I can never plan to kill
her..... (More sobs)......if she dies.....I will die.... I will die for her to
live...”
Of course by that time the myopic DPO was nodding
rigorously....eyeing me like the devil wears prada.....and then HE nailed
it......and said yes HE sent all those texts......that he sent them out of
desperation and need to WIN me back from the hands of "MY
LOVER".....who had snatched me away from him.......HA!!!!!.
By this time.....I needed to do something pretty fast......I had
my Lawyer with me taking notes.... All the while....Suddenly, the lawyer
interrupted the DRAMA going on and said the DPO needed to address the issue at
hand....I think it was only then that Mr. Kay noticed I had brought a
lawyer....he studiously refused to acknowledge the poor lawyer and continued
his sob story....
The lawyer again brought the discussion to the matter at hand and
then the DPO Reluctantly asked me to speak....and I spoke......the timid
KAY.....MORPHED into the bold person and I told everyone present my story....the
abuse how it was consistent and the depth...the pain .....the scars....the
tears....the denials...sexual, emotional, financial....the beatings.....and I
looked at his friend and asked him to LOOK at me...he had his head in his
hands....shaking his head and muttering...."I never knew all
these"....
I shouted at him, the DPO....MR KAY.....ALL THE MEN IN THE ROOM
commanded them to look at me.....then I proceeded to slowly take out my FALSE
TOOTH....the one that fell out....the one I must wear every day before my
make-up ....before my mask.....and I told them.....no....ordered them to
LOOK...... And in that toothless state I told ALL OF THEM to take a walk....Mr.
Kay....his friend....his albums..... That this is the ME that came out of
19years.... The broken me..... Then I turned to the DPO..... And in tears told
him....OGA.......ONE DAY ...ONE DAY VERY SOON..... YOUR WIFE'S mask will come
off....and just like me......one day oga.....it will be over..... To MR
KAY.....i told him....... "YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN......I
KAY.....Omo JEJE......I CHOOSE FREEDOM....And I walked out of the room.......
What was the point anyway?
The day after the police scenario I got a strange call..... It was
the IPO assigned to my case.... He said he wanted to see me at the station....i
went.....and he told me that in all his life he had never encountered such a
case.....that he heard about wife beating etc but that in all his 15 years of
marriage he had never hit his wife.....and I shouldn't think all men are like his
Oga or my husband....he said he had a good cry at home last night...that he
just kept on playing the scenes over in his mind and that he didn't have
peace....he then told me that he had called Mr. Kay to report back to the
station....and that HE was made to sign an undertaken and that he decided to
arrest him and then release him on bail after writing the undertaken.
He showed me the undertaken, which was basically that Mr. Kay was
now responsible for my life..... And if anything should happen to me....even if
I catch a cold....he will be arrested and charged to court, whether he is
remotely, directly or indirectly connected to whatever happens to me anywhere
in the country + outside it....HE will be held fully responsible for
it.......and charged to court.....and HE SIGNED....his lawyer signed and a
prominent member of the society.......ANGEL 1.....that IPO (never got to know
his name) then looked at me and said.....madam prisoners embrace
freedom.....and look forward to it.....and he recognizes the look of
anticipation when that day comes....freedom is a choice....and I had chosen
it.....that God will HELP ME..... Then he smiled ....and said "now I too
will rest". ..... I walked out of that station and then drove to ALPHA...
.....and I wept.....I sobbed.....I let it all out.....God
spoke....He started with that quiet calm words....He just crept in like a thief
in the night....He became the intruder....I was worried, I was sad......I was
JUST THERE, and my mind was in a turmoil...the waves had roared and raged
angrily that morning, and I was just not myself anymore. Then He started in His
usual way.....
He called my name....it was so quiet and calm....and the questions
came...."why are you sad....what's the matter?" AM I NOT STILL YOUR
GOD....HAVE I NOT ALWAYS BEEN THERE?....DO YOU THINK I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU ARE
GOIMG THROUGH?...."....I KNOW ALL YOUR ACTIONS.....I KNOW ALL YOUR
EFFORTS....I SEE YOU....I SEE THROUGH YOU.......AND....I AM HERE....I have
always been with you....and WE are backing you up......
You are my masterpiece and you have been molded and re-shapen into
a vessel of honour....so! I am not going to leave you now NO!!! You will never
walk alone......It is well....today is a day of joy......your tears are all
kept in a bottle.......I WILL GIVE YOU JOY. Today is a testimony and a covenant
that I ....ELOHIM....ELION....Jehovah Rapha...YOUR HUSBAND....THE OWNER OF THE
UNIVERSE....ALPHA & OMEGA.....I AM WITH YOU.
I kept on sobbing........HE was, is and will always be just TOO
MUCH O ti MUMI gbagbe ibanuje igbakan Ase were ni se Oluwa Oba ti mo pe to nje
Ase were ni se Oluwa Oba ti mo pe to nje
Per aspera ad astra (through difficulties to the stars)
Sedit quitimuit ne non succe Deret (he who feared he would not
succeed sat still)
Tu ne cede malis sed contra audentior. (YEILD not to misfortunes
but advance all the more boldly against them)
TO EVERYONE READING THIS DOMESTIC VIOLENCE DIARY
I know the Holy Spirit led me to share my diaries.... 19 years
cannot be conjured up like magic.... But I thank God for the release He gave me
since I started sharing the diary. Every day I get woken up sometimes 3am to
start typing and I only feel a release when I finish writing and hit the send
button...I'm not out to scare or impress anyone. I don't need the fame.
Domestic violence kills Everyday...and the lives of those victims CRY...I hear
Because I Too Was once a victim. .but the glory of this diary and the lives it
has and will touch just has to be the hand of GOD.
I give Him all the glory and I know He has a reason for wanting
this story out there. It is only a warped mind that will sit and imagine and
write this sort as fiction. But as for me, I LIVED that life and I won't wish
it on my worst enemy ...I only hope that someone has learnt or is learning and
is taking a step of faith. I believe if we save one life, Gods will would have
been done. War is sweet to those who have never fought. ‘
Good night.
Lesson one: Most
abusers will at some point before the wedding exhibit the trait. It could be a
hint; it could be a big fight. But they will SHOW COLOUR. Please note. I
generally advise ladies to try and instigate a quarrel and see how HE reacts.
Even then some will hide themselves. If it’s a young relationship, i
generally will ask you to break it off. Why? Once the beating starts, IT DOES
NOT STOP.
But abusers are extremely predictive and all over the world no
matter how late or early into the relationship, they will exhibit set pattern
and traits and I too have mastered them.
A mutual friend of ours called me up and asked my why HE always
put me down in front of people... She observed that when we are all together
and have all those 'problem with Nigeria arguments all HE does is to put me
down and keep saying that I don't know anything.
NOTE 1: An abuser treats
everything as a battle and they must win.
Lesson two: Abused
women NEVER talk ... They HIDE the scars, the deep hurt, the depth
they have sunk, the low esteem and the fact that they were once STRONG women. WHY? The
abuser is usually so charming, popular and well loved by everybody. They are
the charmers, the philanthropists, the givers so no one will believe you and
they SHOW so much love OPENLY to you in public, people will always assume that
you must be the one giving such a 'lovely' man problems at home. Some will even
call you an "alaseju"
The underlying threat when you finally open up and talk to them,
they know that at best your people and his people will settle the quarrel. At
most they will ask him to apologize and also ask you to go and exercise more
patient and be more tolerant…blah blah.... But then you go back home to him and
then that's a new beginning. Maybe he stops the physical and promoted himself
to the emotional and psychological abuse. Believe me... These next levels are
not pleasant.
Bottom line:
·
Most abusers are
cowards.
· Abuse has a cycle.. And
knowing this cycle will help a lot of women in it safe... www.domesticviolence.org
Normal behavior >setup>abuse>guilt>excuses>normal
behavior
·
Abusers have an amazing
memory. They remember everything...EVERYTHING....but can decide to have
selective memory as well.
· They are extremely
jealous... I was accused of sleeping with all my lecturers, then all my
friends....my bosses...some uncles... His friends and more....
· An abused woman in most
cases will NEVER be involved in extra marital affairs... If you are in a deeply
abusive relationship, having another affair will be the last thing on your
mind... Your self-esteem has been plundered to the point where you don't have a
single confidence in yourself... So whilst the man keeps accusing the woman of
sleeping around.... The woman has become so fearful that she cannot even
respond to advances from any man.
