DIARY OF AN ABUSED WOMAN - TRUE LIFE STORY

This is a true life story of Mrs. Kay.

I pray you will have the strength to read it to the very end. Every time i read this story, i shed tears.

Welcome to the life of abuse that I lived.... Welcome to THE DIARY.

Read.... And learn. And feel free to ask questions. Who knows someone out there may be going through this.

Today I choose to come out... I choose to come out of that cupboard today. I have been a single mother of 4 girls since 2005.... I have lived a life of pretense.... I have worn my mask of "married" for 8 years and today.... I am taking that mask off..... I'm tired of pretending. ...... I'm tired of alluding to a 'Mr.' that no longer exists... A 'Mr.' that has gone his own way and has not looked at my side...As in... You know... NO Sex for more than 10 years... So today I become who I am.... Who God made I'm a being a lovely... Bubbly.... Beautiful mum, girl, babe... That just wants to live life...To the full.

I’m tired of stigmas... And Nigeria is full of "us". We married but single ladies. Who pretend that our husbands are "busy" making money.  Oh... Some say... Oh.... He's Busy at meetings... He is at Abuja... He is in London etc.... But we are all in the same boat... We are single and pretending ...we are even worse than those lesbians and gays..... At least they look the part... We ... Ish.... We look sound walk and talk married... WE ARE NOT...

BETWEEN, LET ME TELL U A STORY...

I know of a couple. No... Well, yes a couple. The only time the husband made love to her was anytime they needed to procreate.... Meaning, your guess...they made love maybe once in 18 months. Or as soon as HE feels it's time for baby No 6... And when he has had enough that was it... No sex, No love, nothing... And every time they go out as a couple and you know.... I used to envy them... I used to think Mrs. A had the best marriage in the world... until... One day... She lost it... Why????

Let's get to another statistic .Me...My story.... Even as I type, I'm shame personified... I mean ... How I, a very intelligent lovable lady endured a marriage for 18 years with hard labour.... How I submitted, submitted and submitted till I lost all my identity.... How I was constantly slapped, flogged, belted, abused and thrown out.... Beaten black and blue for 18 years and I still stayed and judiciously wore my mask of MARRIED ...EVERYDAY, beats even me myself.. I think I developed a dual personality... Outside to the public I'm the vibrant joyous happy head in the sky Kemi special... But inside, U know what I mean I'm the fearful, dull unintelligent, stupid...useless...incompetent mother/witch... Who can only speak when spoken to... And even then I needed to be sure an answer was REALLY NEEDED. Otherwise, It will result into slap and blows.

Outside ... I'm the entrepreneur fearless, daring bold owner of a big privately owned company. It's even laughable that outside some men say they are intimidated by me.... As in ME? EMI.... WHO Is that person? I remember at some point I dragged myself... Paid oh... to see a shrink... Of course I couldn't do that in Nigeria... Big babe like me paying to see a shrink... That's Yaba left. So I anonymously (now you see why I need to come out), dragged myself to see one in London... On the day I finally got to go for the appointment...i could leave the house due to fear and shame... How do I explain that I'm constantly beaten and treated like an incompetent 5 year old... I'm sure the shrink too would probably think so... I mean I really do get to do stupid things....

Can you imagine one time when he dragged me to the bed naked and started a series of slaps. And stupid me... Didn't keep my mouth shut I kept on fighting back and in defense I bite him on the wrist and didn't let go until my teeth fell out.... Stupid me, that's it. Only an ODE (stupid person) would do that. A wise woman....As pastor bimbo would say would have just SUBMITTED...submit you fool...Now you lost your teeth...Witch...And at that point I calmly got off the bed...

By that time, blood was everywhere. And the mask came on.... Where is or are the bloody teeth?  I searched for them...The lucky ones were still in my mouth...though quite loose... But the mask is on I needed to find the other one... Try to put it back.... Damn ...What do I tell them at work tomorrow?  How do I explain this one like the others? At least with the others...clumsy me was always falling down the stairs..... And other likewise stories..... This one, No makeover could help so I just needed to find the tooth and quickly fix it back..... And try to smile or laugh it over, Damn the mask again...

***********************************************************

Let me start from the beginning. It was a very brief but intense relationship. He did everything right. Was loving was respectful, Charmed the socks off everybody and till today will tell everyone 'I love my wife' and so it started...

The first time was in London... We had gone shopping for our wedding and then came the choice of wedding rings.... We argued over it... We had budgeted about £250 for our rings suddenly he insisted on us buying a £25 set of rings.... And I just didn't get it because we both had a common purse for such things.  In anger he gave me a resounding slap on the streets of London and walked off.  I was dazed. Walked a few miles without realizing it and ended up at my chief bride’s maids place. Told her and in her analytical way of doing things she asked me to cancel the wedding. I thought of the BIG PARTY my parents had planned, THE INVITATIONS that had gone out THE BIG introduction (over 1000 people) came for that alone and just couldn't 'SHAME' my parents. He came back later that night wept profusely and begged me and asked me to forgive him that it will never happen again and I DID

By the time we got married (13 -01-87), we started our bitter sweet relationship. I learnt to understand and know his likes and dislikes. (Sometimes his likes will suddenly become dislike and vice versa) and like a school girl I learnt to know what trips him off and what does not. He loved his pounded yam POUNDED (by me). Hated most of my friends so I devised ways of them not visiting (when they did visit he was the best husband. Showing off, telling them the last money he gave me... Etc) didn't like my family. According to him we are all spoilt. Liked my hair a particular way ONLY, ALL THE TIME. Generally had an exactness that I dared not question

I remember the first major beating. Funny enough I can't really remember what I did. I was by then about 5 months pregnant and just as suddenly as the quarrel started it quickly escalated and this time he went further. After slaps and kicks all aimed at my face, tummy etc, he just went into a rage and started punching me. I found the first exit on time and ran out of the house or was he the one that just slammed the door and left me? my face swells up quickly.

At least I now know that so I just took a walk as always to the lagoon front. I don’t know how I got there or when but the lagoon front always waited for me and it was there that I felt the first set of cramps…labour...at 5 months. Was I afraid? No. Something else had taken over. An inner strength just came over me and I walked again from lagoon front to my aunt at Akoka (a location in Lagos). She took one look at me and rushed me to the hospital.

I was in premature labour. Everyone came to the hospital ....My parents ...My friends...etc.... My parents asked the Dr. to do everything possible to save me and the baby. I was in an induced sleep state all dreamlike but quite calm and serene. A very good place to be. I felt safe then amidst all the chaos, HE rushed to my side pretending to kiss me and then whispers....

PLEASE DON'T TELL A SOUL THAT I BEAT YOU...

Yes, I kept quiet.

LAGOON FRONT (3/12/2000)

What is this life all about anyway? It's easy for some, difficult for some and either way for others. Where will it all ends anyway? 6 feet that’s all and when I'm gone what will be my achievements. I struggled, tried it all. All I have ever done is TRY TO PLEASE SOMEONE, in the end while pleasing and pleasing and striving to be the best wife, I have lost it all.

Who am I? My old self that I knew: carefree, loving, fun loving, trusting…All lost... All gone...It's never been the same since that November month so many years ago.

All I know lord is that you are still my best friend... I just can't seem to find any other friend... I have searched all these years amongst my friends, my husband, my parents.... None yet Lord, except you...and my girls. With you I am not afraid... You do not bear me.... My dad started it all...I thought I had escaped all those years of abuse... And then from one trap I entered another one…Worse than the first.

Nag nag nag...Beat beat beat...Slaps, abuses, curses....from one trap I entered into a lifelong one...I live each year hoping that it will end. That maybe if I try harder I will be a better wife. Through it all, I have lost myself and the years are passing by.

I'm still waiting to hear from you O Lord. You said you will tell me when it's time to move on. When Lord? I'm falling more and more into the trap. I'm enslaved as it is. Help me to regain my focus O Lord. Help me to rediscover myself Lord. The confident bold intelligent Kay. Who still thinks that the sky is the limit. I still want to touch the stars. I know my capabilities. Help me to rediscover myself and Lord, please be my best friend. Even

If I lose everything, I don't want to lose you.

Hold me cuddle me, Talk to me, Listen when no one listens, Comfort and wipe my tears, Help me to forget all the abuse I have gone through. Help me to rediscover myself.

THE BEAUTY AND THE RAPIST

I never thought about this until I watched that late night program on a local television station couple of weeks back. The topic was Rape and how to Move on after it or something of sort. Recently, I have started taking rape cases seriously after my experience with a young lady that was raped by six different men.

Her trauma, tears, pains, bruises and cries broke me down. I was totally broken. I was afraid for my own life and at a point; people thought I was taking it too far. Well, you can’t really blame me. I was the first person that got in touch with her after the rape incident and cleaning the blood off her skin due to the iron belts that the perpetrators used on her was by far the most dehumanizing experience I have ever witnessed. That day, I got the full meaning of depression and I understand that it’s possible to be depressed for someone else’s problem.

Due to this, I have taken Rape issues, training, seminars and talks seriously. That particular night, the guest that spoke on air was a victim too. She was raped from a very tender age and the rape continued till she was a teenager.

She talked about how she felt it was all her fault, how she would run to the bathroom to wash herself up as a small girl and then stay there to cry. She said she felt like an outcast. She thought the men saw her as a pretty girl so she made herself less pretty.

She is married now and when the host asked her how she felt when her husband came along based on the fact that she had to open up to the man about her past ordeal, she responded by saying “ My husband said he’s ready to walk with me and subdue all the fears. He understood and it took me a long time to wholly accept him”

She went further by saying “You know, it’s so funny how men can easily date and marry a lady who has history of several boyfriends she has slept with than a lady who was raped”

That is where I am going exactly. I started thinking, that sounds awkward but it’s true. Men would rather date a late who is a serial lover with records of sex involved than a lady who was raped by one, two or three men.

Why? The answer is simple, STIGMA. The society has succeeded in placing monumental stigma on rape victims so much that when we are supposed to embrace and care for them, we stigmatized and make them look like a filthy rag. Unfortunately, this generation is worse off.

Then I ask again, who then is the fool?

You would rather marry a woman who has slept with 16 men and carry out numerous abortions than a woman who was raped. What is your yardstick for measuring the two instances?

It’s unfortunate how we have turned out to be. I sincerely think no woman will wake up and expect been raped. We should lessen the burden on the shoulders of rape victims. They are going through a lot already. We shouldn’t add to their burdens.

If we can’t build them then we shouldn’t break them.

| RAPE is EVIL | RAPE IS BAD | DON’T RAPE | STOP RAPE |STOP THE STIGMATIZATION AGAINT RAPE VICTIMS|

|Mide Pearl|

ESCALATOR DILEMMA

It was a sunny  Saturday in 2009. I had a meeting to attend at the Onikan city mall. It was the meeting of the “Infotech Excos”. Now, Infotech Group is one of the Lagos State NYSC community development groups. According to history, the group was started by Gbenga Sesan and the purpose is mainly to bring ICT knowledge to secondary school students.

I was the Vice president of the group in my set and sincerely, I will confess that the group served its purpose. I was able to know vibrant girls who have grown to be ladies of purpose. One of them is Mojisola.

After our passing out parade, we decided to meet and discuss on how to map out a long-lasting career plan by starting our own ICT Company. We had people who were futuristic and daring. We decided to meet at a popular eatery located inside the city mall.

This very day, I had no premonition of the aesthetics inside the mall. I have not even been to the mall before so I had no idea I was going to face my fear. I had on one of my favourite jeans, a yellow top and a heel to finish the look. Applied my makeup and set out to meet the other team members. I was actually a bit late so I needed to hurry up but being one who will not trade her fashion sense for anything, I chose to catwalk into the mall.

On entering, I saw my fear. There is an escalator to be used in other to get to the eatery. Now, don’t get me wrong. I have had opportunity to use the escalator before but most times; I always see an alternative which is a stair so I have perfected the act of boycotting the escalator. I don’t know how to use it, I have never used one prior to that time.

Now, before you start shaking your head and saying “Oh my Gosh, this girl is so local”, just post the picture of the escalator in your living room and show me the one you grew up with. Escalators are not our thing here and most of us have terrible stories about our first time experimenting with it

I got inside, looked right, left and center and there was no alternative. Oh my God. How on earth? Who designed this place for Pete sake? You see, if not that I had entered the mall with a lot of bang and all the guys downstairs felt my entrance, it would have been better. But the way I entered self didn’t give me the courage to turn around and ask anybody how to use it.

So I braced up. Studied two people used it and I told myself, you can do it. I repeated it to myself. You are brilliant, intelligent, smart, brave and knowledgeable so using this mere metal is not a problem. More so when I saw a little girl of about 10 years took a stride toward it and ran up it.

I walked with all the efizzy in the world to the escalator, and placed one of my legs on the first step while the other was right on the floor. Then, I balanced my hands separately on the handrails. Not knowing that one of the handrails was for people going up while the other was for people coming down. I thought I had done the right thing by placing my hands on the two hand rest. That was where my problem started from.

It was a free for all film that day. As the escalator was pushing me up, it was also pulling me down. I was dangling with my leg in two separate steps. I started screaming. People shopping came out in troops. I was screaming so loud. I called Jesus, I screamed Daddy, and I started shouting names of my colleagues. If you have never seen a typical village girl display before, then missing my action is a carryover for you. Even Jenifa had nothing close to me that day.

Some people were laughing, some were telling me what to do. One guy was shouting “take your hands off the rails. Take your hands off. Free your hands.” For where? I didn’t answer him. Take my hands off and fall down. God forbid. I was just there screaming and shouting until the guy came to my rescue by forcefully releasing my hands and the escalator took me up. By then, it was already a full cinema house. Like I care? I just took one bold glance at all the spectators, took a deep breathe in and walked away.

By the time we finished the meeting, my mates were already laughing and making a scene out of it so I told them, if you people don’t want another drama again, just hold my hand and lets use it together. I eventually used it with another male friend who held my hand and tutored me on how to use it.

It’s been almost seven years and I still cannot forget that day. Now, I can use it with all authority. However, I learnt my lessons. Some of them I have penned down here.

• There are some things that books won’t teach you only experience will.
• Don’t run away from your fears, face it. Most times, they are like tissue papers
• Be courageous. Don’t be ashamed of your little incapacity. Nobody is born to know how to do things. We all learn.

And before you say that babe sef no tush at all, drop your own escalator story. We will love it

|Mide Pearl|

Leo's Dream

When the fire burning inside you is greater than the one burning around you, you will survive.

Life has taught me many lessons, one of them is LEO. He happened to be my friend in my former place of work. Masculine, visible six packs which he normally flaunts with the help of his numerous tight fitting tops. His command of English is impeccable and he has this confidence that can melt your heart.

He was one of our cleaners. Yes. He works as a cleaner.

I have seen dutiful people but this guy surpassed them all. He cleans well and makes friend easily. Humble, hardworking. It wasn’t long before we became friends. Sometimes, when I get tired of office work, I will take a stroll to the cleaners lounge and sit down with him to gist.

However, something set LEO apart. He has a dream. Most times, I have bumped into him reading secretly and once he sights anybody, he quickly throws the book to a corner. The reasons for his actions are not far-fetched. He shouldn’t be caught doing something else when on duty.

I got to know later that this guy paid his way through School. He was schooling while working as a cleaner. He used his salary to pay for his school fees. He lived on nothing.

Two days ago, I was scrolling through Facebook and I saw his pics. He wrote something that touched me. He said “I have a dream” My friend no more works as a cleaner. He’s now a banker.

You see, most times, life will give you million reasons to quit, Million reasons to falter. Whatever you decide to do depend on you

What is stopping you?

Most of us have no business looking at our backgrounds because it will only keep us at the back and on the ground.

| Mide Pearl |

SET YOUR MIND

Life throws so many things at us but our reactions will determine our altitude in life.

It was one of the most important meetings as far as my career was concerned. I needed to be at the First bank Head Office at Marina Lagos for a meeting with the Head of IT. I woke up early, went through my presentation as much as possible and headed to the place with my Boss of life. There is something about my boss. He’s not the regular boss. He’s the boss who became a friend. This guy is so intelligent. Anything Information technology is like child’s play to him. Even the CCIE’s value his intellect.

As we made to climb the staircase leading to the entrance of the building, I noticed that all the security guys greeted him in a familiar manner. They knew his name and called him out. He hailed them back, shook hands with them without stopping on his tracks. We were late for the important meeting.

At the reception, we needed to wait for 2 minutes to allow them crosscheck with our host. While waiting for them to put the call across, another security man came around and hugged him. My boss was elated. They embraced for a while and started chatting about some people. I was confused.

I was lost to how/where he knew all the security men. Soon, the call came through and we were given our tags. On our way, I asked him how he knew all the guys who seem to have known him since eternity. Then he told me something that shook me till tomorrow.

He said “Lammy, I didn’t just grow up to be a Network Consultant. I worked my way to this position. I was once a security man and one of my posts was this same building we are in today. All the people I greeted were my colleagues. The last man who came to chat me up was my supervisor. Those guys you see have been doing this job for years.”

I was speechless. So I asked him, Andrew, what happened to you?

He continued. “I went to school. I had nobody to support me. I did odd jobs. Lammy, I did so many odd jobs I won’t be able to tell you. I was determined to succeed. I was working against time but with precision. Most times, I read in secrecy. I did everything in secrecy because if my employers gets to know, they will fire me. I eventually became a graduate even though I still lag behind sort of compared to some of my mates. I am still on a journey dear. I have a dream”

Oops. Tears came running down. I was touched. I looked at myself, a grumbling ingrate who got almost everything on a platter of gold. A father to pay my fees out of school, a family to care and cater for me. I looked at million of people who have no one to fall on and still went ahead to pursue their dreams.

I felt so ungrateful that day...

Today, that my boss is the HEAD OF INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY of a leading Private Institution. He’s married and doing perfectly well.

I don’t know what you are going through but I know something for sure...

The only person who can stop you from becoming who you want to be is YOU.

 You have a choice.

| Mide Pearl |

Yes, We Can

So I was thinking, we should have more time to discuss and dissect issues.

I need a place that is different from the usual rowdiness that has enveloped Facebook.

Not my first blog though but it’s the first blog that is having my nickname.  So guys, lets rock this together.

I will be counting on you to check it out often. Together, we can make it happen

Thanks

| Mide Pearl |