DEAR SINGLE LADY, PROTECT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM...

Dear Nigerian Single Lady,

PROTECT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM, YOU WILL NEED IT FOR THE DAYS AHEAD.

This is a real life story. A sad one I will say. When I was in the university, I met a wonderful lady. It was during the registration time and as freshers in the university, a lot of people were at the hall to perfect their registration. I am not one to make friends easily but in the midst of the hustling and bustling, I rested my eyes on a beautiful lady. It was love at first sight. So acting on impulse, I walked up to her. “Hello, I am Olamide”, I told her. Oh, I am Maria (not real name) she replied. Right there,I asked her “Can I be your friend?” and she said “Why not we can be friends”.

...Her intelligence, Innocence, Humility and Friendliness shone from afar. She is a very intelligent lady. A very self-assured lady too.

We became friends and we are still friends. I did almost all the visiting and talks. Well, somehow in my heart deep down, I knew at some point, she got really tired of my friendship. I was obsessed with her and immediately I found out she was getting really tired of our friendship, I backed out to let her breathe well.

Those traits I saw in her the first day were actually a tip of the iceberg. She is a woman full of good virtue. She is nice to a fault, never saying a bad word, careful to hurt people, intelligent, caring, considerate, humble, submissive and a listener.

You know in 100level, a lit bit of dating here and there. We were just admitted to the university and the boys were coming in droves well, maybe not for me but for her. A lot of genuine guys were on her case. She would tell me, I don’t want to get involved. I don’t want to see them. I was always the mediator, always collecting wine and chocolates on her behalf from suitors. She would say, Lammy, please I don’t need this wine because I don’t want to date this guy and it’s morally wrong. I always have an answer for her. Babes, abeg collect am and eat something. Who says you should date them. Just chop and clean mouth. She would insist it was wrong for me to do that… In my mind I was always like, which kind babe be this.

A lot of good guys came along and she just wasn’t interested. Those guys left after a while. By the time we were in 200level, we weren’t that close because her hostel was a mile apart from mine and I was always the one visiting her and… I started dating so the whole stuff was taking my time. You know dating is a lot of work especially if it’s a first time. First time I was dating in my whole life and my friend didn’t like my boyfriend and somehow the feeling is mutual, my boyfriend too didn’t like her so, I just decided to boycott her side to save the friction.

One day, my friend called me. I was already tied down with politics. I was vying for a post in the student union election and I was involved in campaign and all that stress. We were in 200level. Her birthday was coming in weeks and she is celebrating it. Something told me that was a bit unusual so I dug further. “Babe, this is not you. You are a conservative and introverted lady who naturally would not even contemplate marking her birthday in this way. What happened to you?” Then she told me, I am dating Kunle (real name) and he said I must mark my birthday in a big way.

Kunle? Who is Kunle I probed further? Do I know him? She said No, You don’t know him. He’s in my department. I replied, Oh, okay. I need to see him. The day I saw this guy, I knew there was a problem... I don’t like him but who am I to like him. After the party, I told my friend, I don’t like your guy. Then she said “I don’t like your guy too but you didn’t leave him so I think it’s okay like that. I like Kunle”. I shrugged it off. If you are happy then, no wahala.

And I asked jokingly, I hope this guy is not bugging you for sex. (In my sub-conscious mind, the guy looks like somehow who just wanted sex and somehow, I was watchful of him). My friend replied jokingly, well, is your guy asking you for sex? For us, it was an issue because we both knew we were virgins and somehow it’s one of the first thing to think about when you are starting a relationship…. I didn’t want to answer her so I changed the topic

Yesterday, on our way home, hubby asked me, how is Maria doing? I said I am not sure. It’s been a long time we talked last and the last time we talked, I knew she had been robbed of her self-esteem. And it’s going to take her a lot of work to get it back. Hubby said “Good girls suffer most. Life is unfair”

Sometimes, when we are in relationships, we cover up for our lovers. We pretend that all is well. We suffer in silence and come out with fake smiles. When friends probed, we lie to them and tell them its fine.

• My dear, please have someone you can talk to. I will suggest your mother or your aunt or someone you can ask for direction. Life is funny, when we are in love; we sometimes lose our head and use our heart. Hearty decisions are most times unreal, they are decisions we make in moment of passion. They can haunt us for life

I knew that guy was not real from the day I set my eyes on him but I got a concrete answer when my boyfriend-now hubby asked a tricky question. My friend and her guy were medical students and they were also in the same department. As the norm is, medical students gets transferred to the Teaching hospital at some point in time and that meant my friend had to relocate from our state to where the teaching hospital was located.

My boyfriend had traveled to the state where the teaching hospital was located and Kunle (my friend’s boyfriend, who also happened to be my own guy friend) had told him there were babes to pass the night with him. Now, that sounds crazy. And there, he had two babes with him who were “maybe” passing the night with him. My boyfriend, got back to me and asked if my friend was still dating Kunle? I was like yes but I will ask to be sure.. And he said, she’s got the wrong guy. That guy isn’t loyal. So, I asked my friend, “Sup babes, are you still dating Kunle? She said yes, and I ended it with cool.

Now years later, we were out of school and I have travelled out of Lagos for an official assignment. My flight was evening time and my friend was on hand to meet me. The company had paid for hotel but how can I spend the night in a hotel, lonely and alone when I have a friend that I have a lot to catch up with. Carry-over gist and all

As the driver pulled up in front of my friend’s house, she raced down to meet. A nice environment to raise kids and have peaceful sleeps. “Getting an apartment in this place must have cost you a fortune, I said. “ Babes, its expensive living here she answered. I know… I know, I nodded as we walked into her apartment

There were catch-ups and gist…I was married already and we laughed about so many things. Then I asked how about Kunle and your relationship? There was silence. My friend was trying to hold herself, I could sense it. I gave her time. Over the years, I have learnt to let people speak out when its convenient. Don’t push them.

The she told me… “ Lammy, I left Kunle, I ended it.  Then, she paused. I said “That is fine. You know what is best for you and I am not going to judge your decision. Honestly, I wasn’t going to judge her because I know deep down that Kunle is not good for her”

She continued, I left him when we went for Youth Service. I need a time to be away from him and I knew it was going to come at that period. You know this guy was always beating me lammy? You know sometimes, he will beat me and I won’t be able to attend lectures and because we were in the same department, the same level, it was hard for me to cover things up. 

Ours is a closely knit class and once the other colleagues don’t see me, they come looking for me. The annoying thing is Kunle will beat me and still go to his friends to describe how he slapped me. I became an object of ridicule… I couldn’t concentrate in class. I lost all my self-esteem. I am a brilliant girl Lammy and you know it. I started slipping academically. I couldn’t even hold my peace…..And you know, he flirts too. Kunle flirts. (I know but I just don’t have to say it out). He sleeps with everything in skirts and whenever I questioned him, he will beat me.

I cooked his meals, washed his clothes and teach him in class. He doesn’t read and he’s not that brilliant so he tells me to read for both of us. I read and he copies my work in class. Then one day, he beats me so hard and I told his father. Maybe he could talk to him. His father told me Kunle is like him. That he beats his wife too and I should just manage him and not do things to provoke him. He said, overtime, as our marriage ages, he would change. Lammy that was the ice-breaker

It was as if a scale just dropped from my eyes. I knew I wasn’t going to cope with that beating. I would die so I perfected plan to leave him. Leaving him while in school will bury my already dead self-esteem so I waited until NYSC period.

• A guy, who constantly talk you down will destroy your self-esteem. It’s all part of the plot to make you think lowly and unworthy of yourself before the final hammer finally hits. Most times, the final hammer is physical abuse.
• Once a guy hits you.. Take a walk. Especially of you are just dating, No point reconciling. Just walk away
• You need to check the family your guy is coming from. Most children from dysfunctional homes are themselves dysfunction and they lack self-esteem so they bring you down to make themselves feel good
• Most guys, who have low self-confidence and who ends up dating women with cerebral minds and high intelligence will sometimes try to break that woman to make themselves feel good
• If a man tries to take you away from your friends and your family, he’s most definitely manipulating for the BIG assault.

“You waited that long?” Mouth agape and head shaking…. I became dumb. I couldn’t utter a world. My friend came from a peaceful home. They are just three kids. Her two other siblings came out with a first class in the respective courses. I was angry on her behalf. There was little I could do anyways. I probed “Any guy you are dating now?” Yes.. I saw her smile. You know him. Akin.

Hmmnn.. Akin.. I know him but I can’t vouch for him. How can I tell my friend that Akin is not different from Kunle.  Well, we are all employed now, out of the university. Maybe my friend will know better. She then told me “Akin is this and that… Anytime he’s in town, he sleeps here and whenever he gets angry, he won’t eat. I will beg him and even tried all sort to appease him but he won’t eat…. I just love to pamper him…” I said fine. In my head, I was already saying… this is error number two because Akin is a serial lover. So I asked her, What is Akin saying about marriage? She was confused. “Babes, I don’t know. He’s not saying anything and anytime I jokingly brought it up, he gets irritated and he refused to eat my food so I let him be.” Wao… Wao… was the only thing I could utter.

Finally, getting my voice, I looked right into her eyes and asked “babes, what do you want from Akin? She didn’t get to understand me so I asked her, is commitment strange to you? She said no. I want commitment. I want a home of my own. Then, asked that he gives you that in a plain term. I replied her.

You see, sit him down and ask him where this whole relationship is heading. I am surprised that you aren’t asking him. You see, when Tosin came with his Songs of Solomon, that night, we have joked about it every single day. I asked him “What do you want from me? I am a lady who wants to get married at this period and if you are not ready or if you don’t see yourself taking that leap, quietly leave my life now. I wouldn’t want to position my mind to build my future with you when you don’t even see yourself in that future”

• A lot of ladies are putting themselves in the hands of men who don’t see them as part of a team to build a future with. You need to understand what he’s seeing before you try to accept his vision. It’s very important

My phone rang and my friend told me after two weeks, I asked him babes but I think you are right. There is another lady and I don’t think he’s planning to marry me. He’s planning to marry her. ..After what seems like 20 minutes of silence (I needed to be sure she was in the right frame of mind) I said, Let him go… let him go. You deserve better.

I have been wondering, you know life is so unfair. You ask yourself; what do men want? I have seen nice, submissive, intelligent and beautiful ladies who got paired with men of crazy characters. I have seen crazy personalities who got cool-headed, Christ loving husbands. Life happens

So she allowed him to go and our communication reduced… Two years later, I was back again for an official assignment and I was stayed with her. This time, it was all not adding up again. My friend was dating a married guy… See, this isn’t my friend. I know her very well. She came from a very Christian home. She is reserved and she has dignity. What happened? She told me after leaving Kunle, the only reasonable guy who came along was the married guy and the guy already promised to divorce his wife in Lagos….lol. Same old tricks of I will divorce my wife for you

I wasn’t even ready for coated disposition, I told her, you are wrong. This is the height of it. Do not be the reason for another woman’s home to break. Let him divorce her without you meddling…Finally, I said “This is not you”

She broke down in tears and said… Ever since Kunle left me, I have lost my self-esteem. The men that come around are not serious and I just find it hard to put my dignified cape on. Lammy, you know me. You know this is not me. I think I stood too long in that violent relationship and somehow I don’t even know if what I am doing is right or wrong.

I can imagine the feeling. It’s that same feeling that is making the abducted Boko haram girl pleads that they should take her back to her boo-haram husband who impregnated her. The same feeling is what makes ladies in violent relationship refuse to leave their men despite several people telling them to. It’s a feeling where when wrong goes on unchallenged, it becomes the norm. When you allow anybody to drag your esteem in the mud and spit in your face, it will take a lot of energy and time to wash the dirt’s off your garment and cleans the spit from your face. It also depends on your kind of person. Most times, strong people get to stay more in abusive relationship because of the image they have craved for themselves and because they don’t want people to think they have failed.

Dear ladies, sometimes, the brave get injured. It’s okay for you to get it wrong but it’s not okay for you to stay wrong.

• Ask questions. Don’t assume it will lead to marriage. Ask him from the beginning. Ask him with your actions. Watch out for his reactions. If you don’t allow fleshy love to cloud your sense of reasoning, you will know where he stands.
• Be assertive in a calm way. Don’t do the wife before the vow. Some women will follow a man to every family functions; they will act as Iyawo ile all in the name of desperation. You need him to stand before his people and God and proclaim his vow before you start acting as the wife.
• Watch his friends. If you are intelligent, their actions and body languages will tell you where you stand.
• Is he advertising you? Some men will advertise you not because they need you but because they want people to know you are the current prey. It adds to their ego. So you need to know the kind of publicity he’s giving you. Good or Bad?
• A guy who sees himself in your future will be concerned about your family affair because he knows that very soon, they will become his family.

Finally, in any relationship, take your brain along. You will need it pretty much.